Hillbilly Science

 As it turns out, My Hillbilly is a prolific writer. I already knew he was a prolific talker, but I didn't realize his love of communication ran to writing as well. So, here he is:

Yes, I am back again!  Aren’t you happy?  This time I am going to get into more of the technical terms or the science of being a hillbilly.  You see, genetically speaking, I am almost the perfect hillbilly!  And as I give you more information, you will see why.   

In the Ozark Mountains, there are all kinds of critters, plants, and such that are not all that people-friendly.  Some of them love us but are not good for us.  For instance there are, as Cynthia would react and say, TICKS!  And speaking of loving us, they really do!  In the same manner as I love cookies or homemade ice cream, they love us!  

TICK!!

Now, I don’t know if it is true for sure, but I have heard that ticks don’t need our blood to survive. They eat plants, but they do need blood to breed.  So you now understand why the little critters are out there silently screaming, "Give me blood, give me blood, gotta have blood now!!"  They are desperate little suckers and we are kind of like walking raw oysters or perhaps even like Viagra for them. 

 Doesn’t that make you feel warm, wanted and important, just knowing that there are species of insects such as these, that are depending on you!  I am surprised that we don’t have green, hug-a-tree, save-the-animals, eat-only-the-silently-screaming-vegetables, and other such groups out picketing.  I can see it now, signs saying such things as "Go naked in the woods now," or "Give blood now to promote your local tick’s sexual and mental health."  Gotta love those do-gooder groups!

At any rate back to being the almost genetically perfect hillbilly.  The aforementioned ticks don’t like me very well.  They will crawl on me for hours without biting.  Mosquitoes have almost no effect on me.  They bite me and within 5 minutes, the welts are gone!  Chiggers, (for those of you who don’t know what a chigger is, you should really, really, experience them sometime) are invisible little blood suckers  that generally causes a bigger and itchier welt than a tick!  

My mother used to make me put a hand full of salt in my bathwater to get rid of them after I picked blackberries with her.  It really seemed to me to be kind of like marinating steak for better taste, but whatever!  As it turned out, it was a waste of salt.  Chiggers don’t like me either!   I am not allergic to wasps, bees, poison ivy, poison oak, poison sumac, and such like.  Yes, I would have been the perfect hillbilly, if it hadn’t been for allergies that cause problems with my sinuses.  Foiled by nature again!

Speaking of allergies, I have had much more trouble with some soaps, detergents, perfumes, after shave lotions, etc.  I think in applying scientific methodology to this, we might find that the hillbilly genome just has an aversion against numerous baths, and unnatural smell-em-goody things.  I wonder if Cynthia would let me experiment and do without such things?

Cynthia: I think not.

From the Hillbillies Corner!
  

That's My Hillbilly. I just never get tired of him. I'm staying here in California where I've never met a tick or a chigger. Ick! How about you? What's your experience with vermin and other critters?

Random iPod Shuffle

Okay, so the kids are all doing this over on Facebook, and since I've got blog space to fill, I'm doing this here. Let's see how it goes. If nothing else, you'll learn a little about my taste in music.

I've got my iPod:

Apple iPod nano 8 GB Blue (6th Generation) NEWEST MODEL

Here are the rules:

1. Put your MP3/iPod or other device that plays music on "Shuffle."

2. For each question, skip to the next song. Whichever song appears is your answer.

3. YOU SHOULD WRITE THE NAME OF THAT SONG WHETHER YOU WANT TO OR NOT!

See, I'm already ready to rebel because I hate being yelled at in all caps, and I hate being ordered around. So I may or may not cheat. And if I do cheat, I may or may not admit to it. Let's get started:

If everyone says, "everything is well," what do you say? HUH? Do the kids think this makes sense? Oh, well. Let's follow the rules:

"The Heart of the Matter" by Don Henley ---If everyone says, "everything is well," I say, "The heart of the matter." This really makes no sense at all. Okay; it's a game. Let's carry on.

What best describes your personality?

"Forty Hour Week for a Livin'" by Alabama.               Seriously? Why do you think I teach? (That's sarcasm, kids.)

What suits you today? Who made these questions up? Do you want to be a little more specific?

"Carroll County Blues" by The Nashville Bluegrass Band  ---  I suppose it makes sense to say that the blues suits me today. Did I mention there are 16 more school days left? I hope I live that long.

What is your goal in life?

"Lost Without Your Love" by Bread  Okay, if by "your" we mean the Hillbilly, that makes sense. Sort of.

What is your motto?

"Heaven Alone Will Satisfy Me" by Crossing Jordan         Now that one is perfect!

What do your friends think of you?

"What Am I Doing Hangin' 'Round?"  by the Monkees        Some friends! Fine, who needs you?

What do you think about often?

"Holding Out for a Hero" by Bonnie Tyler           I have no smart remark for this. Feel free to insert one of your own.

What do you think of your best friends?

"The Bible and the Belt" by Bucky Covington         Yeah, that should fix 'em.

What do you think of the person you like?        Umm...you mean the one I'm married to?

"The Little Old Lady from Pasadena" by Jan and Dean          No...just..no

What is the history of your life?

"Surfin' USA" by The Beach Boys        Aaaalrighty then. How long is this game, anyway?

What do you want to be when you grow up? When will that be?

"I'm Gonna Sit at the Father's Table"  from Tuneful Tidings  Well, that's about right.

What do your parents think of you?

"My Girl"  Seriously! I hardly cheated at all.

What music will play during your funeral?

"If You Could Touch Her at All" by Willie Nelson   Ummm...kinda...eew?

What is your pastime?

"The Devil's Been Busy" by the Traveling Wilbury's   No comment.

What is your biggest secret?

 "That's the Way Love Goes" by Merle Haggard  Well, now you all know.

 

What do you think of your friends?

"I'm Gonna Walk Out of this Valley with My Lord" by Higher Ground  Well Higher Ground is made up of some of my friends!

What is the worst thing that could happen?

"Drinkin' and  Dialin'" by Darius Rucker     I can see that being pretty bad.

How will you die?

"Right Where I Need to Be" by Gary Allan   I hope so!

What is the only thing you regret?

"Bodhisattva" by Steely Dan    You figure it out.

What makes you laugh?

"Live Forever" by Billy Joe Shaver    A joyful laugh!

What makes you cry?

"I'd Love you to Want Me" by Lobo        Oh, come on! I am NOT sixteen here!

What scares you the most?

"Guns, Guns, Guns" by the Guess Who       Not so much.

Does anyone like you?

"Down to the River to Pray" by Alison Krauss      ;)

If you could go back in time, what would you change?

"Nobody Knows You When  You're Down and Out" by Eric Clapton        Yeah, I hate that.

What hurts you now?

Truthfully, this game is getting too long!  THE END!

So, what did you learn about me that you didn't already know? Why do kids spend time inventing these things? Which song on my iPod do you like the most? Which do you like the least? How badly do you wish you could get back the time you spent on this? Leave a comment! 

Wicked English Teacher Wednesday--May 2012

Hi folks, it's time once again for Wicked English Teacher Wednesday, the series where we proofread the Internet and rant about it together. Okay...I rant about it. You may if you wish. In fact I'd appreciate knowing that I'm not ranting all by myself. But truthfully, I can't make you rant if you don't want to. Feel free to read without ranting if that's what you really want. On the other hand, if these things don't make you want to rant, I'm not sure we can be friends anymore. Just sayin'.

First though, let me tell you why teachers become wicked. We don't start out that way. We come into our first classrooms all energetic and idealistic ready to save the world from ignorance. We end up wicked. What happens in the middle? This:

Mrs. Meents passes out a detailed list of instructions explaining exactly how the project should be done. It begins with the words, "You will be preparing a five-minute oral presentation." Within 30 seconds, Alfred raises his hand and asks, "How many pages does it have to be?"  Well, it's not a written report; it's an oral report. "Oh. How long does it have to be?" Do you see the first sentence on the paper where it says five minutes?  "Oh. What happens if it's not five minutes?" At about this time, Matilda calls out without raising her hand, "How many pages does it have to be?"

On another day, in exasperation, to keep from losing her cool, Mrs. Meents asks ironically, "Why must teenagers behave in such an adolescent manner?" Without missing a beat, Herman answers, "Well, that's why they call us adolescents." Yes, Herman. Yes it is.

On yet another day, the discussion has turned to chewing gum -- back in the "old days" Tabitha asks, "Is it true that if you were chewing gum, teachers used to make you spit it out in their hand?"

"No way!" Albemarle jumps in. "I'd chew gum just so I could spit it in the teacher's hand...not you, Mrs. Meents!" No, Albemarle, I'm sure you don't mean me.

Would you please open your books to page 57? Winthrop, please pick your head up off of your desk and open your book to page 57. Thank you. Hildegard, put your novel down. I'm glad you love to read, but right now you need to open your textbook to page 57. Bartholomew! Don't write on page 57, just open your book! Thank you. Daphne? Page 57. No...57. Madeline, that's your math book. You need your language...that's right. Good. Winthrop, pick your head up. Hildegard, put the novel in your backpack, not on your lap. Thank you. Now who would like to read the first paragraph? Marvin? Thank you. Page 57. 57. Yes, 57.

And then the teacher gets very old and wicked and has to pause to rant about the abominable spelling, grammar, and punctuation found on the Internet so that her head doesn't explode.

Whew! But none of that is what I came here to talk about today. Today, I want to look at bloggers and blogging experts, those people who make a living (or try to) off the Internet. I especially want to look at those people who try to tell the rest of us how to improve our blogs. There are some great sites out there that do just that, sites I've used to really improve my own blog. There are also some sites written by people who probably have good information and ideas but who are failing at the communication game.

If you want to be taken seriously as an "expert" in the field of communication, you've got to get the mechanics right. There are many, many literate people out there who want advice on setting up and growing their blogs, but are not going to take advice from people who come across as ignorant because of their writing ability, or lack of it.

Notice that word in the previous paragraph, advice. Advice is a noun, a thing. You give advice. Don't confuse it with the verb advise. When you give people advice, you advise them. If you don't know the difference, maybe you're not in a position to advise people about their writing.

Yet recently I read a post by a self-proclaimed "perfectionist"who advices us to check out a web "sight." Oh, yes, that's what he said. Web sight. You see what's wrong there, right? You see a sight. A site is a location. A web site is a location on the World Wide Web. Also, to avoid plagiarism, be sure to cite the sites you sight. You're welcome.

Just one more rant for today. Another blogger talked about making due with what you have. You don't make due. You do make do.

Well, it's getting late, so we'll have to cut this rant short and make do with what we have.

What have you seen lately that made you want to rant? Go ahead and rant with me. Take  my advice; you'll feel better for it.